A New Me?

This will probably be a fairly long blog post as I have so much to update you on. I've debated to make each subject into separate posts but I think that will take too long, so instead I'm doing one huge mass post....I hope you don't mind.

Recently my life seems to have flipped around and things have been going good for me, really good. I almost don't want to write this post as I'm scared I might be jinxing it, but I'm really happy and I want to share that.
I've always believed in fate and things will come to you when you least expect it or when the "time" is right and maybe it's my time now. (At last).

So as most of you know, I've been doing pretty well at managing my anxiety, I still have the odd blips here and there but the difference being I get back up and start again instead of letting it rule my life and decisions. It's hard to know when my luck seemed to change, a lot as happened at once.

29th March - Family Get Together.

I rarely get to see my Dad's side of the family, so it's always nice when we meet up. I always find myself getting nervous because I want to impress them, I want them to know I'm doing well, and it's hard to feel proud when you're not really doing anything at the time. So I always try to avoid conversations about "me" and what I'm up to as I never really know what to say. The difference this time was I was open and honest, I've always been ashamed to have a mental illness and I try to hide it. I had a lovely chat with my Grandad about what I want to do and where I want to be in life, we talked about his past and his family and he reassured me that I can do what I want, if I want it bad enough. I also spoke to my Aunt about how I find it hard to socialise and I don't have very high self confidence/self esteem and a part from her being a little shocked as she's always known me as a confident girl, she was very open and didn't judge me, she made me feel comfortable and It made me realise if you can be honest with anyone, it's your family because they will love you for you and that's all that matters. I was proud that I was a bit more open. It was lovely to see everyone. 

Job Hunting.

I was helping my step-dad look for jobs online, and while looking I came across a few I thought were perfect for me. Normally I would completely freak out and not even contemplate applying for them, So many things would go through my mind. "I'm not good enough" "I'm too overweight" "They won't like me" "How will I get there" "I can't get the bus, people will laugh" "It's not suitable" "It's going to make my anxiety worse" "You won't be able to even attend the interview without looking stupid" etc. This time instead of allowing myself to criticise before I'd even done anything, I just took the pressure off, I thought "There is no harm in applying, you probably won't even get an interview but if you do and you don't feel comfortable about going, then that's fine, at least you've made progress in even applying, If you do get an interview and manage to go (which is fine if you don't go) and you get the Job, if you don't want to do it or you don't feel ready for it, that is also fine." I broke it down, into 3 steps, the first being just applying for it and wait to see if even step 2 comes along; an interview. Before hand I was acting as if applying for it was saying I'm accepting the job which is silly because in most cases you don't even get an interview. 

The other thing that put me off applying is the fact I have no experience and only GCSE's, no one is going to even look twice at my CV, especially because I've been out of education and work for over 4 years. So I made the decision of putting a little bit about my mental illness on my covering letter just explaining why I haven't been active in the last few years and how I'd happily answer any questions or doubts they had, I would also be willing to work for them voluntarily to prove I am the right person for job. I know this is a huge risk, but I thought what have I got to lose, at least I'm showing I'm honest instead of them thinking I'm just lazy and haven't bothered. 

Veterinary Nursing.  

I've wanted to do an animal based course for about 4 years now, I've applied to college twice, once in 2011 and again in 2013. In 2011 I couldn't even attend the induction without having a full blown panic attack after just receiving the letter so I cancelled my application. I made progress in 2013 as I did go to the induction, I thought it was a one on one, it ended up being a whole group of us which freaked me out but in way it was good because once I got there I couldn't back out, If I knew it was a group meeting I probably wouldn't of even attended. It was a great day, I got on with the other students and the lectures were very friendly and super understanding of my anxiety, it made me feel motivated and I was convinced by September I would be going back to college. The problem was I was now classed as an adult, I wasn't eligible to use the designated college buses as they were for 16-19 years, I had to make my own way there. Which meant trying to pass my test in a couple of months when I had only started driving, or getting 3 buses. This freaked me out big time as I still hadn't manage to get the bus on my own but I thought I would be able to overcome that. I was wrong, and inevitably went down hill and shut off from the world making my anxiety worse....I've learnt not to do that now. 

My Aunt came across an online Veterinary Assistant course on Groupon a few weeks ago, at first when my Nan told me about it, I was very withdrawn, I didn't know much about the course and I couldn't get my head around how you would learn to do something fairly practical online. I had a look into the course and it sounded perfect, it was pretty much everything I've wanted to learn enabling me to work with animals. My lovely Nan said she would pay for it knowing how long I've had my heart set on a course like this, I was dubious, it was a lot of money even with the discount and I didn't want her to fork out the money if It wasn't something I was set on. I had a think about it and realised I was once again trying to talk myself out of a great opportunity, I can do this course in my own time and from the comfort of my own home, what was there to be unsure about? I eventually realised I would regret not taking the course while it was a decent price, maybe it was just meant to be? I start the course in May/June, which I'm looking forward too. 

Isle Of Wight.

Over Easter weekend I went to the Isle of Wight with my Dad, Brother, Step-Mum and Step Brother. I haven't been there since I was about 6 or 7 and I have so many childhood memories from there. I've wanted to go back for a while now, so was super excited. We had a wonderful time, I pushed myself into situations I wasn't 100% comfortable with ,which I normally wouldn't do. While everyone was on the amusements I would walk further away until I couldn't see them, I would go to the toilet by myself, I wasn't so afraid about being on my own, I knew they weren't miles away. It was a fantastic weekend and boosted my confidence.

Job Interview.

I got a phone call from a woman a few days ago who said she had read my covering letter about my mental illness and she wanted to explain a bit about what the job was before she offered me an interview, I can't believe how understanding and helpful this lady was, she was so supportive and wanted what was best for me as well as for her, after a brief chat on the phone she has arranged for us to meet this Wednesday; to see if she believes I'm suited for the job and for me to know a bit more about what I'll be doing, so I know if I'll feel comfortable with it. We shall see where this takes me. 

Shopping and Partying with Abi.

I had to get some interview clothes as I want to make a good impression. Abi also wanted to celebrate getting a new job, we decided to to go to Peterborough and have a girly shopping day. This was a test for me as.....I LOST Abi, she had my bag with my phone and purse in, I was looking at some t-shirts I turned around and she had disappeared. I spent about 15 minutes looking around the whole shop trying to find her, there was no sign, I could feel myself starting to panic, I calmed myself down and took myself to customer services (which normally I would of felt too stupid to do) and they gave an announcement, she eventually made her way back and we had a giggle over it as we actually realised we had passed each other 3 times......darn us for being small! I was proud of myself, I didn't care if people at the customer services thought I was stupid, I was worried, it was a big store and I could feel myself panicking, I'd rather people think I was silly or over sensitive than have a major panic attack in front of some strangers. 

We then decided to go out for a few drinks as she rarely gets a Friday or Saturday night off. We thought it would be a quiet night just the two of us but it was pretty adventurous, I rarely go out because I don't do well with loud drunk people, I'm normally too shy and too insecure, worried about what they think of me. I actually had a lot of fun, I never get chatted up but I was approached by 3 guys, and I was pretty funny if I do say so myself,  it was strange though because most of you have seen my sister, she is stunning she gets male attention a lot! Like flies to poop! It has boosted my confidence considering how low my self esteem is. I now sound vain hahah my bad. Overall we had a fantastic night, I couldn't do it on a regular basis but I'm going to make more of an effort to go out a bit more.

There you have it, a little bit about what I've been up to, hopefully things will continue to go on the up. Thanks for reading.

Read More

The Beauty Tag - 40 Questions About Your Beauty Obsessions.

Q1) How many times do you wash your face daily?

At Least once in the morning, I normally use a cleanser at night that doesn't require washing off but if my skin is super oily or flared up then I will wash my face twice, morning and night. 

Q2) What skin type do you have? (dry,oily,combo)?

My skin is always changing, I would probably say I'm more on the oily side but In the winter and with using acne products my skin can sometimes become a tad on the dry side. So I guess combination.

Q3) What is your current facial wash?  

I currently use Lush's Fresh Farmacy. 

Q4) Do you exfoliate? What brand do you use?

Yes! Between once and twice a week. I use Soap and Glory's Scrub Your Nose In It. 

Q4) What moisturizer do you use?

I have two! I mainly use Simple's Light Hydrating Moisturiser but if my skin is a little dry then I use Soap and Glory's Night Accelerator.  

Q5) Do you have freckles?

I do and I actually really like them, you can only see them in summer though. 

Q6) Do you use eye cream?

No. I actually have an eye cream but I always forget to use it. My bad. 

Q7) Do you or did you have acne prone skin?

I do unfortunately. 

Q8) Have you ever have to use Pro-activ?

I haven't. I did go to buy it but It the reviews were so mixed, some people loved it and some people hated it and it's a lot of money for something that you're not sure is going to make an improvement.

Q9) What foundation do you use?

Max Factor Miracle Touch Liquid Illusion - Ivory

Q10) How about concealer?

Collection 2000 Lasting Perfection Concealer - Light 1

Q11) Do you know your undertone colour?

I think i'm more on the cool side but I always say neutral because I'm never sure.

Q12) What do you think of fake eyelashes?

Fake eyelashes can look really nice if applied correctly and they're not too heavy or thick. I wish I could use fake eyelashes but for me I don't really like them, they really irritate me and I can't get the knack of applying them so they look "natural"

Q13) Did you know that you are suppose to change your mascara every 3 months?

Yes and No, some people say 3 months some say 6. Personally I keep my for 6 - 8 months I've never had any problem with it, I just clean my wand regularly. I know a lot of you make up artists/buffs will be screaming right now lol. 

Q14) What brand of mascara do you use?

L'oreal Paris Volume Million Lashes.

Q15) Sephora or MAC?

I've not been to either of them but from word of mouth I would probably say Sephora as you have more variety.

Q16) Do you have a MAC Pro-card

No.

Q17) What makeup tools do you use in make up application?

Real Techniques Brushes.

Q18) Do you use make-up base/primer for the eyes?

I always use a cream base for my eyeshadow and I do prime my eyes but with a face primer rather than an actual eye primer as I don't currently own one.

Q19) Primer for your face?

Yes. I use Benefit Porefessional Primer.

Q20) What is your favorite eyeshadow (color or shade)?

I like neutral shades best but probably a goldy shimmer colour like half baked from Urban Decays Naked Palette.

Q21) Do you use pencil or liquid eyeliner?

Pencil. I like the liquid look but I'm terrible at applying it lol. 

Q22) How often do you poke your eyes with an eyeliner pencil?

Not that often, I'm always poking myself in the eye with my mascara wand though. Ouch!

Q23) What do you think of pigment eyeshadows?

As in loose? I don't like them, they are messy and get all in your eye. 

Q24) Do you use mineral makeup?

I don't. I know I probably should but it can be a bit pricey. 

Q25) What is your favorite lipstick?

 Barry M Lip Paint in 129. It's a pastel lilac colour. I love the feel of it it's so light and creamy and I just love the colour. It doesn't dry my lips either. 

Q26) How about lipgloss?

I don't really have a fav lip gloss, I rarely use them, if I do it's normally just a clear one.

Q27) What is your favorite blush to use?

I like any of the sleek blushes. I can't chose a colour cause I like them all, I guess rose gold? but I also really like Lifes a peach, those are my top 2. 

Q28) Do you buy your makeup on ebay?

I have done in the past, but not anymore. The quality is never as good and you can easily get ripped off.

Q29) Do you like drugstore makeup?

Yes! Love it.

Q30) Do you go to CCO's? (cosmetic company outlets)?

No, never even heard of them....is it an American thing?

Q31) Have you ever consider taking make-up classes?

Nope, I like make-up a lot but there are so many tips and tricks which you can learn from youtube so I don't really need to take a make-up class as I'm not wanting to pursue it as a career. 

Q32) Are you clumsy in putting on makeup?

Yes I probably am, I have good days but more often than not I end up re-doing my eyes as they never look right lol. 

Q33) Name a makeup crime that you hate?

Orange! People who chose an orangey foundation that's to dark for their skin and they don't even try to blend it out. It looks ridiculous.

Q34) Do you like colorful shades of makeup (lipstick,eyeshadow) or neutral ones?

I prefer neutral eyeshadows but I quite like a pop of colour on the lips. 

Q35) Which celebrity always has great make up?

She's not really a celebrity but Sinead from TheMakeupChair (Youtuber) her makeup looks flawless. 

Q36) If you could leave the house using just ONE make up item,what would you use?

Concealer, just to hide my blemishes lol. 

Q37) Could you ever leave the house without any makeup on?

Yes, I pretty much always do. 

Q38) Do you think you look good even without any makeup on?

Yes. I've become comfortable and accepted my skin/face without makeup now.

Q39) In your opinion, what is the BEST makeup line?

That's a tricky one. I don't really have a favourite I like different types of makeup from different brands. I guess if money was no object I probably would own mostly benefit or urban decay. 

Q40) What do you think of Makeup? 

I do like makeup, in fact I have a weird obsession in buying and owning it but I rarely use it. I think it's good that it can make you feel more confident but I also believe it's bad because nowadays girls believe they NEED it and don't feel comfortable without it which is a shame. 

Read More